자신이 사랑 받고 있다는 느낌은 언제 들까? The four things that make practically everyone feel loved, according to a new survey

The four things that make practically everyone feel loved, according to a new survey

According to Gary Chapman’s theory of love languages, different people need different things in order to feel loved. Some people will feel most appreciated when they spend quality time with their loved ones, while others prioritize physical touch, and still others need words of affirmation in order to feel truly cherished. Show your affection to your partner in their preferred manner, the theory goes, and it will go a long way toward reducing conflict.

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자신이 사랑 받고 있다는 느낌은 언제 들까?    과학자, 철학자, 시인 등은 오랫동안 사랑의 의미를 고민하고 연구해왔다. 최근에는 ‘사랑 받고 있다는 느낌을 받는 순간’이 언제인지 조사한 연구논문이 발표됐다. 사람은 언제 자신이 사랑 받는 존재라고 인식할까? 이번 연구에 의하면 일부는 예상 가능한 답변, 일부는 의외의 답변들이 도출됐다. 예상 가능한 답변으로는 누군가 자신에게 ‘사랑해’라고 말할 때, 몸이 아파 돌봄을 받을 때, 누군가와 함께 소중한 시간을 보낼 때, 누군가 자신을 특별한 사람처럼 느끼도록 만들 때 등이 있었다. 포옹을 할 때, 남녀관계를 가질 때, 칭찬이나 선물을 받을 때 등의 답변도 있었다. 연구팀의 예상을 벗어난 대답으로는 반려동물이 나를 반길 때, 아이가 품에 안길 때, 누군가 연민을 표시할 때 등의 상황이 있었다. 미국 펜실베이니아주립대학교 연구팀은 온라인상에서 18~93세 사이의 성인 500명을 대상으로 설문조사를 진행했다. 총 60가지의 시나리오를 제시하고, 그 중 사람들이 사랑 받는다고 느끼는 상황이 언제인지 고르도록 했다. 사람들의 선택을 받지 못한 항목은 주로 사람간의 관계성이 빠진 시나리오들이었다. 따뜻한 햇살을 받을 때 혹은 자신이 좋아하는 음식을 먹을 때 등이 여기에 속했다. edited by kcontents 사람간의 관계성이 들어있는 시나리오임에도 불구하고 많은 선택을 받지 못한 것은 상대가 나를 통제하거나 소유물로 여길 때와 연관이 있었다. 상대가 나의 위치를 확인하려 들 때, 항상 같이 있으려 할 때 등이 여기에 속했다. 연구팀은 이 같은 답변이 도출된 이유가 자유와 개인주의를 중시하는 미국에서 진행된 결과물이기 때문일 수 있다는 점에서, 사회·문화적 배경이 다른 나라에서의 추가 연구도 필요할 것으로 보았다. 또 개개인의 감정이 아닌, 보편적인 사람들의 감정을 묻는 설문조사였다는 점에서 각 개인의 경험담을 기준으로 했을 땐 다른 조사결과가 도출될 수 있다는 점도 고려해야 할 것이라고 덧붙였다. 이런 내용은 ‘사회와 개인관계 저널(Journal of Social and Personal Relationships)’ 2019년 1월호에 실렸다. 문세영 기자 pomy80@kormedi.com 코메디닷컴

edited by kcontents

But while it’s undoubtably true that one person’s charming weekend getaway gift is another person’s stress-filled organizational quagmire, a new study suggests that—among Americans, at least—there’s a fair amount of consensus around which gestures are most likely to make people feel loved.

In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers from Pennsylvania State University and the University of California, Irvine, asked 495 men and women in the US to complete an online survey that presented them with 60 different scenarios. Respondents were instructed to respond to statements about each scenario, such as, “Most people feel loved when someone is there to just listen,” with “True,” “False,” or “Don’t Know.” (Importantly, researchers asked the participants to answer based on how they thought a majority of people would feel—not based on their own personal emotional programming.)

The study, led by Saeideh Heshmati and Zita Oravecz, the latter of whom co-authored a 2016 paper on the same subject, identified some behaviors that nearly all participants agreed would make people feel loved. There was strong consensus around the following four scenarios:

When someone shows compassion toward them in difficult times

When a child snuggles up to them

When their pets are happy to see them

When someone tells them “I love you”

Notably, none of those behaviors are associated exclusively with romantic partners—a finding in keeping with the authors’ conclusion that “people feel loved in a range of settings much wider than just romantic relationships, which included momentary everyday interactions and experiences with friends, pets, and family.” Indeed, studies have shown that simply making eye contact with dogs increases their owners’ level of oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone” because it promotes bonding. A parent who cuddles with their kid will get a big dose of oxytocin, too. And anyone who’s had a friend call them up after a bad day, or exchanged an “I love you” with a trusted family member, can attest to the power of these small but meaningful gestures.

Another noteworthy takeaway: Despite the popularity of romantic tales about ultra-controlling men like Fifty Shades‘ Christian Grey or Twilight‘s Edward Cullen, most Americans agree that in the real world, possessive behavior doesn’t make people feel loved. Scenarios in which “someone wants to know where you are at all times,” “someone tells them what is best for them,” “someone is possessive about them” were all rated unlikely to spark feelings of warmth and tenderness.

Mark Manson

edited by kcontents

When taking factors like race and gender into account, the study found that some groups were more likely to differ from the consensus on the situations most likely to inspire feelings of love. Male participants were more likely to give responses that differed from the majority consensus—perhaps, the researchers suggest, because the study focused on nonsexual love. (Previous research has shown that men, broadly speaking, tend to think about love in terms of intimate physical relationships.) Black participants were also more likely to be outside the consensus, which the researchers attribute to the fact that the majority of respondents were white, and so the consensus reflects white cultural norms.

The study’s authors acknowledge that their research is limited when it comes to how different factors may affect people’s interpretations of love, particularly when it comes to cross-cultural beliefs. Still, the study is a nice reminder of the simple things all of us can do to show our appreciation for one another.

https://qz.com/1506572/four-things-that-make-people-feel-loved-according-to-a-new-study/

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