노년세대가 젊은 사람들에 조언하는 사랑 대처법 3가지' What Older Men Want Young Men To Know About Love

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Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.  밸런타인데이가 되면 남자들은 허둥지둥 애인에게 줄 선물을 찾으며 허둥대기 일쑤다. 그리고 대부분 실패한다. 적어도 미디어에서 남자를 그리는 방식을 보면 그렇다. 남자들에게 사랑은 항상 어렵다. '사랑에 대한 30가지 교훈'이란 책을 쓰면서 50년이 넘게 부부생활을 영위해온 노인 남성들을 인터뷰 한 바 있다. 이 노인들은 온갖 삶의 문제와 여성에 대해 수많은 수수께끼를 풀면서 결혼 생활을 성공적으로 유지한 '사랑의 백전노장' 들이다. 그래서, 이런 생각이 들었다. 만약에 2, 30대 청년들에게 이 노인들이 사랑에 대해 조언을 한다면? 인터뷰를 쭉 살펴보니 대략 3가지로 그들의 조언을 압축할 수 있었다. 1. 대화를 하자. 인터뷰 대상 중에 내가 '터프 올드 가이(tough old guy)'라고 분류한 부류가 있다. 늙었지만 아직도 튼튼한 자동차광, 아랫동네의 부지런한 노인 농부, 또는 재향 군인 모임에 당당하게 나서서 자경단을 자원하는 할아버지가 그런 부류다. 이런 '터프 가이'들에게 가장 어려운 일은 '대화'였다. 그렇지 않아도 표현을 잘하지 못하는 남자들이 군대에서 수년 동안 고함을 듣고 소리를 지르다 보니, 더 무뚝뚝해진 것이다. 이들은 아내와의 대화가 결혼 초기에 가장 큰 장애요인이었다고 시인했다(아내들도 동의했다.).  그런 장애를 이겨내야 장기적인 관계가 가능하다. 반세기가 걸려서야 겨우 소통을 '완전 정복'한 어느 노인이 기억났다. 도대체 뭐가 바뀐 것이었을까? 간단하다고 그는 대답했다. "아내의 의견이 자신의 의견만큼 소중하다는 걸 깨달아야 해요. 아내를 만나기 전에는 자동차 구매, 집안일, 무슨 일이든 '내 방식대로 아니면 말고'였지요. 그런 생각을 가지고는 소통이 될 수가 없습니다. 그녀의 생각을 나와 동등하게 놓고 나니 대화가 시작되더군요. 뭘 해도 함께 앉아 대화하고 그녀의 아이디어가 더 옳다고 생각되면 그 방식을 따랐죠. 그게 관계를 이어가는 데 필요한 핵심 요소입니다. " 2. 문제를 해결해 주려 들지 마라. 노인들은 '소통의 방해 요소' 한 가지를 공통으로 지적했다. 바로 문제를 해결해 주려는 '흑기사'의 자세다. 당신의 애인이나 아내는 자기가 왜 슬픈지, 왜 스트레스를 받고 있는지, 왜 화가 났는지 단순히 들어주기를 바란다. 그런데 꼭 남자들은 문제를 해결해 주겠다며 흑기사를 자처하고 나선다. 클라크 휴스(74)는 자기의 깨우침을 아래처럼 설명했다. "남자들은 뭔가를 고치려는 충동이 강해요. 아내가 불만을 이야기하면 무조건 그걸 문제로 인식하고 고치려고 들죠. 진짜 문제가 뭔지 아세요? 일단, 인생엔 해결할 수 없는 문제가 너무 많다는 겁니다. 두 번째는, 아내는 그냥 자기의 말을 들어주기를 바라며 그런 자기의 감정을 공감해 주기를 바란다는 거죠. 그저 들어주는 그 순간에 충실하세요." 3. 그녀가 좋아하는 일에 관심을 가져라. 오랜 결혼 생활의 열쇠는 '아내의 관심사에 동참'하는 거라고 노인들은 이구동성으로 말했다. 자신이 불행하다고 여기거나 이혼한 노인들은 대부분 아내가 따로 뭘 즐긴다는 사실에 분개했다. 특정 관심사에 대한 아내의 열정이 둘의 관계에 위험요소로 작용한다고 생각했다. 오랫동안 행복한 결혼생활을 하는 사람들은 달랐다. 서로의 취미에 참여했다. 위에 '터프 올드 가이'에 대해 적었는데, 어니(88)도 그런 사람 중 하나였다. 그는 아주 험한 디트로이트 도심에서 자라며 자신이 강하다는 것을 계속 입증해야 했다. 그는 스포츠를 통해 그 세상을 빠져나왔는데 몇 년간 2부 프로 야구 선수로 뛰었다. 입대해서 한국전쟁에 참여했고 제대 후에는 공장에 취직하여 육체적 노동을 했다. 이런 심리상태로 결혼 초기에 어려움을 겪지 않을 수는 없었다. 그에게 어떻게 그 오랜 시간 동안 관계를 유지해왔느냐고 묻자 이 '터프 가이'는 믿기지 않는 두 개의 단어를 말했다. '오페라' 와 '발레'. 그는 아내의 관심사를 즐기는 건 남편의 필수 요소라고 지적했다. 그는 자기도 놀랍다는 듯이 고개를 저으면 대답했다. "내가 오페라에 다녔다니까요. 이 내가! 난 오페라를 싫어했지만 내가 좋아하는 야구 경기에 아내가 함께 와주곤 했으니 나도 그녀를 위해서 오페라에 가기로 한 거죠. 그렇게 서로 관심사를 나누는 거예요. 그녀가 좋아하는 것을 나도 좋아하고 내가 좋아하는 것을 아내도 즐기는 거죠. 처음에는 '여자들이나 좋아하는 오페라를 내가 왜 가?'라고 생각했어요. 그런데 첫 오페라를 보고 그리 나쁘지 않다는 생각이 들더군요. 아내는 야구의 '야' 자도 모르면서 경기에 따라다녔는데, 같이 흥분하면 즐겨줬어요. 그런 게 인생의 타협입니다." 왜 이런 노인들의 이야기를 경청해야 하냐고? 왜냐면 이들은 결혼이라는 세상에서 가장 어려운 관계를 독자가 이제까지 살아온 연수보다 훨씬 더 오래, 아니 어쩌면 두 배 가까운 연수 동안 유지해온 사람들이기 때문이다. *칼 필레머의 '사랑에 대한 30가지 교훈: 가장 현명한 미국인들이 사랑, 관계, 결혼에 관해 얘기한다"는 2015년에 출간되었다. '결혼 조언 프로젝트'에 대해 더 알고자 한다면 여기로. 또는 페이스북에서 '좋아요'나 트위터 @karlpillemer로 연락하면 된다.

What Older Men Want Young Men To Know About Love

Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.  Valentine's Day has come and gone. And if popular culture is to be believed, Valentine's Day causes problems for men. TV shows, comic strips and jokes show men desperately trying to find the right gift for their partners -- and sometimes woefully missing the mark.  That got me thinking about the hundreds of older men I've interviewed about love, relationships and marriage (detailed in 30 Lessons for Loving). They've been through every romantic problem and relationship conundrum imaginable -- and have managed to stay married for a half century or more.  The question hit me: If we got all of them into one room in front of a group of men in their 20s and 30s, what would they say? What lessons have they learned that they would pass on to younger versions of themselves? Going back over the data, I distilled three things that old guys would like to pass on to young guys. Think of it as your future self, giving you advice on love (useful for Valentine's Day and beyond). 1. Start talking Sometimes in my interviews, I encountered men whom I labeled the "tough old guys."  You've seen the tough old guys, I'm sure. Your mechanic might be one, or a farmer who lives down the road or one of those men having a beer at the veteran's club. Maybe you have one in your family. These guys look tough -- they might be 75, but you wouldn't enjoy being in a fist fight with one of them. They've spent their lives working hard at physically demanding jobs, and they don't say a lot more than needs to be said. Many have been in one war or another -- World War II, Korea, Vietnam. For all of our navel-gazing about masculinity these days, the tough old guys feel like what people mean when they say "real men."  To my surprise, here was the biggest recommendation from the tough old guys: learn to communicate. For many of them, lack of experience in expressing their feelings was exacerbated by several years of yelling at others, and being yelled at, in the military. They cited the difficulty in communication as the biggest challenge in the early years of marriage (as did their wives).  But they learned how to do it. They overcame their natural reticence and learned how to open up. I've never forgotten one man who mastered communication, even though it took him half his life. After a rough upbringing and decades of failed relationships, Jack at age 40 found the love of his life and has made it work for 30 years. What changed? He says it's simple: he learned how to communicate. Well, the main thing is I've learned how to sit down and talk. Like when a decision comes up, like going to buy a new car or do some work on the house, my attitude used to be: "Hey, it's my way or the highway." Well, I finally met somebody that I cared enough about that what she thinks matters to me. You know, everything is not my way. We sit down and discuss it and if she had the better idea, we go with her idea. So that's the biggest thing I've learned. The same was true for almost every man in my studies. They said: you have to be willing to talk.  Not all the time, if you don't feel like it. But when there are important issues in the relationship, decisions to be made, disappointment or dissatisfaction that is festering - then things are different. At such times, you simply must be able to talk rationally, constructively, and freely about important issues, or the relationship is not likely to be happy or even to last.  2. Stop being the "white knight"  The older men pointed out a behavior that they view as a "communication killer." And the problem with this behavior is that it usually stems from the best intentions: love and concern for the other person. Sometimes your partner simply wishes to be listened to while expressing sadness, stress, or upset. However, in an effort to help, you jump in immediately to try to solve the problem.  There's no question that the men in my survey see themselves as the major culprits in this behavior - and counsel their younger counterparts to watch out for it. Fortunately, many of them learned to tamp down the urge to be the "white knight."  Clark Hughes, 74, eloquently described his learning process:  I would say that one of the things that I've learned is that as a man, I tend to be a fixer. If my wife is complaining, I want to do something about it and make it right. The problem is, first of all, there's tons of things in life you can't fix. And the second thing is that often the other person just needs to be heard and validated. So control that fixer impulse and really be there for the other person, and be able to endure the suffering when you can't make something go away.  Of course -- lots of times when there's something painful, there's a desire to go do something, whatever you can. There's nothing wrong with that; that's absolutely right. But often -- for the really big ones, it isn't that easy. It's more a matter of being with the other person and suffering with them, even though it's really hard to watch somebody you love suffer. Looking back, older men urge you to listen, reflect back what you have heard, and ask how you can help - but resist the temptation to charge in and fix everything. 3. Be open to her interests According to the older men, one key to a long marriage can be summed up as "give your partner's interests a try." Among unhappy couples and divorced elders, resentment of a spouse's independent interests shone through. The partner's passion for an activity was seen as a threat to the relationship. The long and happily married men used a different approach: join in. The question they ask you is this one: What's more important - how you spend your leisure time or your marriage? If it's the latter (and they hope it is), then at least try, and if possible, adopt your partner's interest. It's better than sitting at home and stewing angrily.  I wrote earlier about the "tough old guys." Ernie, age 88, fit the description. He grew up in a rough Detroit neighborhood where he had to prove himself over and over. He escaped that world through sports, playing minor league baseball for several years. He joined the army, fought in the Korean War and after discharge found good but hard work in a factory. This rough-and-tumble life made marriage initially a challenge for him. But through hard work, it's become the centerpiece of his life.  When asked why it's worked so well, he uttered two words I never thought I'd hear from a guy like Ernie: "opera" and "ballet." But he believed that a loving marriage meant learning to enjoy his wife's interests. He shook his head in amazement when he said:  I went to operas. Operas! I didn't like operas but my wife went to baseball games and she didn't like baseball, so we just split it up together. I learned to like things that she liked and she learned to like things that I liked. I didn't want to go to the opera, it's a sissy thing. But I went, and you know what? It wasn't bad, I didn't want to go to the ballet, I thought it's terrible. I went, I liked it. Baseball games -- she went, didn't know anything about it, but she had a good time with the crowd. That's what it means to give and take, it lets you be married and really enjoy it.  Why listen to the old guys? Well, they've accomplished something very difficult -a fulfilling marriage that's twice as long as some of you have been alive. Take it as their Valentine's Day gift to you.  Karl Pillemer's 30 Lessons for Loving: The Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage was published in January 2015. For more information on the Marriage Advice Project, please visit the website, like the project on Facebook, and follow on Twitter:@karlpillemer http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karl-a-pillemer-phd/love-lessons-and-advice_b_6585624.html

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